Body Politics and the Not-So-Little Black Swimsuit

It has been a while since I did a post focusing on body image, so I figured what better way to do it than with a fashion-y photo shoot wearing a not so-little black swimsuit!

Swimsuit:  GabiFresh for Swimsuits for All (Available here)

I love fashion, but swimwear has always been the last bastion for me in regards to sharing my style with others.  When you feel insecure about your body, you don't really want to show more of it off.  Wearing swimsuits have long been a source of anxiety for many of us who find fault with our bodies, but I realized something over the last few years as I started wearing more swimwear and as I tried out bikinis again.  MY BODY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT (whatever perfection means anyway).  I don't owe my skinniness or curves or any aspect of my body to anyone at all.   

Shoes:  Amazon.com

My body doesn't have to be beautiful to anyone, and the more I wear swimsuits out in public, the more I learn not to care about what others think.  The more I wear swimsuits out in public or post photos of myself wearing them on the internet, the more that I realize that no one else cares all that much either.  If there were haters, I didn't see them, if for no other reason than I chose not to.  Certainly, nobody was so obnoxious as to force me to see them, which is a privilege that I will discuss more later.  Instead, I got the pleasure of spending the last week playing on the beach and in the  pool with my kids and husband, soaking in the sun while laying on the sand, giving little to no concern to the judgments of others.

Jacket:  Eloquii (No longer available; see here)

While taking these photos, I saw other people on the beach of all shapes and sizes.  I had momentary whims of thinking that these people were mocking me, laughing at me, or simply wondering, "who does this chubby girl think she is"?  I also had moments of feeling mysterious, which was a little fun.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people were saying or thinking - I was having too much fun posing, enjoying the waves crash over me, and feeling the sun on my chub to worry about anyone else for too long!  Whatever they were saying or thinking, bad OR good, it really doesn't matter.  Their thoughts and actions are a reflection of them, not me!

Sunglasses:  Tory Burch

All that said, my own confidence isn't really what this post is about.  Today, I'm talking about the issue of size and whether someone like me has a right to consider themselves a representative for the plus size community or a (plus size) body positive advocate.

When I first started blogging, I wore almost exclusively straight size clothing. While I was overweight, I considered myself a petite blogger more than a curvy or plus size blogger.  Having been every size between 0 and 16, I have always been petite.  While I had deep-seated, long-term insecurities about my fat, real or imagined, my identity as a girl and woman was even more tied to being short.

Being only 4'9", I'm smaller everywhere than an average-sized woman.  My shoulders are narrower, my legs and arms are shorter, I have a shorter torso, and my overall frame is smaller.  This means that I wear smaller size clothing than someone who is 8-10 inches taller than me but with similar overall height to width ratio.  What does this mean?  It means that I was wearing a size 10 or 12 when someone taller than me might have been wearing a 14 or 16.  Being a smaller person was a source of pride for me when I thought that taking up more space by having excess fat was nothing but bad.

Being plus size was a fear of mine.  I grew up around plus size women, some of whom were very negative about their bodies.  I saw being fat as a negative and being plus size as the truest definition of being fat (though in reality, plus size women have varying amounts of body fat and come in all body shapes).  

I rejected the plus size label for myself.  I didn't wear plus size clothing, so I wasn't plus size, right?  Technically correct, but the bottom line is that at a size 10 or 12, especially at my height, I felt much more of a connection with my plus size sisters than I did with many of my straight size ones.  Due to my own insecurities, I also felt much more comfortable with them, like I was with people who could really understand my insecurities even if I wasn't always open with how I feared being plus size like them.  

When I first started blogging, I would get an occasional comment that referred to me as plus size.  At first this bothered me - let me keep it real, it really embarrassed me.  I felt a need to reject this label and explain to others that no, I was not plus size. I wore mostly straight size and petite straight size clothing.  I wasn't plus size.  Those jeans I bought from Torrid in their smallest size were too big in the waist, but they came with an extra short inseam that was hard to find anywhere.  I wasn't plus size.  I had to justify myself, remove the cognitive dissonance I had that people thinking I was plus size was people thinking I was fat, surely fatter than I really was, right?  And ultimately, that being fat was nothing but negative, about the most unattractive a woman could be.  My fat made me feel unattractive because I was taught to think that way from the media, family and friends, fashion magazines, pretty much everywhere.  People thinking that I was plus size just seemed to validate my own feelings of inadequacy and un-attractiveness.

This was all so ridiculous.  I knew so many fat, beautiful, amazing women in my life, women who were plus size and who I found to be extremely attractive.  Women who I aspired to be like because they were successful, smart, confident, and inspiring in a range of ways.  One of those women is the gorgeous, uber-talented Marie Denee of The Curvy Fashionista (TCF).  As I started writing as a contributor for TCF, one of the most popular plus size focused fashion blogs on the net, I gained exposure and started seeing more people refer to me as plus size.  I also saw people question my plus size status since I sometimes was featured wearing straight-sized clothing from Ann Taylor NY&Co., or The Limited.  I also saw a lot of love and acceptance from the plus size community, love and acceptance that made me realize that I was being a total asshole about this plus size label and my rejection of it.

I was fat and being fat was okay.  It didn't make me less of a person, and it also didn't make me any less qualified to talk about fashion or to have great style, which was also a major fear of mine as someone with a life-long fashion obsession and a dream of being a designer in the often skinny-centric fashion industry.  Embracing the plus size label made me more authentic as a blogger and as a person even if it wasn't always accurately reflected in the size label in my clothing.  Besides, clothing sizes are completely skewed anyway! 

I had learned to love and accept this body, as flawed as it is.  Through greater acceptance of my body, I realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in being plus size.  After fairly steady weight for about 7 years, I gained around 15 pounds over the last year and a half, then subsequently lost about half of that.  Since I am so short, this 8-15 pound weight gain pushed me up about a size on both top and bottom.  While I can and do still wear a lot of straight size/petite clothing, I find myself reaching more and more for plus sizes depending on the type of garment and overall cut/fit.  

After having rejected being plus size for so long, I now find myself actually seeking out plus size retailers!!!  For example, I constantly search Eloquii's web site simply because I love the styles they offer.  If a certain style is really too big for my smaller frame but I gotta have it, I make it work for me through artful tailoring and styling!  Seriously gotta love the progression of plus size fashion over the last five years!!!

So here is where I am today, a little more on the plus side, more confident in my body than ever, and also more accepting and less judgmental of other women's bodies than ever.  But does all this mean that I get to call myself a plus size body advocate?

I've been at least a little on the chubby side most of my life, but I was never literally plus size until recently.  Do I now have the right to be a plus size body advocate?  Should I capitalize on a concept that I had personally rejected for so long?  I certainly don't have the experiences of larger plus size women.  For all my body anxiety and anguish over the years, I never experienced the problems of being a large girl or woman in society, not really.  I occasionally have received negative comments or judgmental looks about my appearance through the years, but many of them were more likely in my head than from the outside.  Other girls and women (and males and non-defining and transgender individuals) have faced harsh bullying for being fat or having non-conforming bodies.  Many have been victims of regular verbal and even physical attacks, including by the loved ones in their life.  These have never been my experiences.  I may have only been truly thin for a short time in my life, but I still have some amount of thin privilege. 

I am an in-betweenie, meaning that I fall between straight size and plus size clothing.  I wear a 12-16, putting me right at the average range of American women in terms of clothing size.  I am the norm.  While size 14 plus size models don't represent my body shape, my height, my droopy belly, etc., I can still see models who represent my overall size (and race).  Being a size 12-16, I can go to a variety of stores and peruse on-line shops, and I'm usually guaranteed to find my size available.  In the plus size arena, I am very privileged, and being an in-betweenie, I have the privilege of choosing to identify as plus size or not.  

I don't really have answers to my questions... as I love myself more, I feel more resolute in helping to bring more awareness to body image issues and in advocating for more true body positivity that is more inclusive of all of our beautiful, diverse bodies.  But, I don't want to ever do so in a way that is ignorant to all the amazing body positivity work that has been done by other women. 

I hope that some of you can relate to me.  If any of you find anything I write or do to be helpful, inspiring, or otherwise useful to you in some way, then I have earned my place in the blogosphere.  But, I also want to point you in the direction of body positive activists who have been doing amazing work, well before me and definitely well before it was trendy in the fashion world:

Aarti of CurvesBecomeHer.Wordpress.com
Maui of PhatGirlFresh.com
Jes of TheMilitantBaker.comVirgie Tovar of VirgieTovar.com
Sally and team at AlreadyPretty.com

Speaking of fashion, I must take just a bit to talk about today's look!

Who says a black one-piece swimsuit has to be boring?

This swimsuit by GabiFresh for Swimsuits for All is anything but boring.  The sheer details make the suit really sexy while the polka dots add a sweetness.  I love how the band across the torso creates an almost belted appearance. 

I am normally a DDD, so I went with the E/F cup option.  The swimsuits with E/F cups start at a size 18, so that is the size I got.  If you are a true 18 this one should be perfect as I had a little extra room in some areas and the torso area was a bit too long.

I added my crazy faux monkey fur from Eloquii and red Ghillie lace-up heels for the ultimate in beach practicality!  ;-D

Have you tried out Swimsuits for All?  The GabiFresh line?

For the jacket in another look, see here

Indie Spotlight: Zelie for She

I'm on vacation this week, spending time on the beach in Florida with the family.  Even though I have been staying fairly low-key and casual, I still can't help getting my fashion on!

Dress:  Zelie for She (Style sold out; see similar here and here)

Today's look strikes that perfect balance between utilitarian beach and pool wear and fun/glam. 

Swimsuit:  GabiFresh for Swimsuits for All (Sold out; similar available here)

Sunglasses:  Tory Burch

I had been eyeing the gorgeous dresses from Zelie for She for quite a while, but I was a little reluctant to spend so much money on a dress that wasn't necessarily an everyday item for me.  Plus, I get a little nervous about trying new on-line shops when I'm not sure about fit and quality.

Independent designers tend to have higher manufacturing costs than larger shops, sometimes making the prices of indie-produced clothing a little higher than what I would normally spend for something comparable, but I love the idea of supporting up-and-coming designers and independent artists.  Plus, I really haven't seen any designs/prints quite like those offered by Zelie for She.

A couple months ago, I had been working a ton of overtime and had also earned some extra money blogging, so I decided to treat myself for being so awesome, and I snagged this dress.

I love this dress so much! It's comfortable, stylish, and a little sexy.  With limited stock, the products sell out fast at Zelie for She.  This one is no longer available, but there are similar styles in other prints available here and here.

Cuff:  The Limited

I added a silver cuff just to add another touch of glam.

Have you shopped with Zelie for She before?  What has your experience been?

Are you an independent designer or clothing store who would like to be featured?  Send me an e-mail at stylecassentials29@gmail.com!

Shop Your Closet: The Striped Shirtdress, Part Two

Last week, I brought you three ways to style this fabulous shirtdress from Eloquii!  As promised, I am back today with three more ways to wear it.  This dress really is such a versatile piece, and I think that's part of the reason it has become such a favorite of mine.

Dress:  Eloquii (Available here)

The dress also has a ton of styling potential for the fall and winter months, so stay tuned... I will surely share at least a few more ways to wear it over the coming months!

But for today, I'm still thinking and feeling summer...like literally... I had to keep wiping sweat while taking some of these pics!! 

Low-Key Evening
First up is a casual evening look.  

Shoes:  Anne Michelle

Sunglasses:  Tory Burch

It's low-key, but has some interesting touches such as the purple python heels, the studded lip purse, and the purple lip color (which is cool, but decidedly not for me).

Clutch/purse:  Torrid

I did feel a little bad-ass in this look though, which is always fun!

Backyard Beachy
A shirtdress can function well as a swimsuit cover-up whether it be for the beach or your own backyard.

Sunglasses:  Tory Burch

Here, I decided to play with pattern mixing by pairing the shirtdress with a watery print bikini by GabiFresh for Swimsuits for All.

Bikini:  Gabi Fresh for Swimsuits for All

Sandals:  Sonoma kids (old)

It's hard to see in the photos because my feet are covered by grass, but in some of the pics, I'm also wearing bright yellow sandals to bring out one of the colors of the bikini.

Sunglasses:  Calvin Klein

Wear-Everywhere Versatile
This last look gets special honors as probably the most versatile of my stylings.  It is a look that could be (and has been) worn to work, but it also looks great for casual get-togethers, dinners or drinks out, or a range of other life situations.

Shooties:  New Look Wide Fit (Available at ASOS here)

The shooties are polished and simple, while the accessories bring in some summery pops of color and print mixing.

An orange lip draws attention to the face. 

Necklace:  Eloquii

Clutch:  Target

One of the things that I love about a black and white color palette, especially black and white stripes, is that it mixes so easily with other colors and patterns.  I have learned to treat black and white stripes almost as a neutral, meaning I could add virtually any print (florals, animal prints, tribal prints, abstracts, you name it) without feeling like I am going overboard.

A shirtdress is equally versatile, as I hope you have seen from my two-part series.  With a little imagination, you can definitely expand your closet without having to spend a cent!!

UNCONDITIONAL BODY BEAUTIFUL - PART 6: BODY HAIR

So, I am extremely late on June's installment of #UnconditionalBodyBeautiful (so late that it's July), but this latest installment's focus was on body hair!  

Since I love fashion, and I'm first and foremost a style blogger, I have always taken effort to make each of the posts in this series as much about style as body image, using what I'm wearing to help tell the story of my changing relationship to my body.  While there are many ways to explore and develop our relationships with our bodies, I think fashion can be such an incredible gateway towards learning to see our bodies in a positive light.

Swimsuit:  GabiFresh for Swimsuits For All (Available in kiwi here)

Blazer:  Eloquii

With the focus for June on body hair, I thought what better way to discuss a part that almost literally covers our entire bodies than with a fashion choice that covers the least amount it (or at least the least amount of it that I would show on the blog!)?  So, the idea to wear a swimsuit for this post was born.  

This is my first EVER post on the blog dedicated exclusively to a swimsuit (and my first bikini on the blog).  I had actually been planning this post for several months, but life, poor weather, and a certain level of anxiety kept getting in the way of my photo shoots.

Heels:  Target

Sunglasses:  Calvin Klein

Earrings:  Prabal Gurung for Target

Since I was actually rather nervous about doing a swimsuit shoot (and had nixed a shoot I did last year), I decided several months ago that I didn't just want this to be any normal outfit of the day shoot. I wanted something a little more glamorous, a little more edgy, and a lot more fun.  Go big or go home, right?!  I came up with the idea to take pics on the Old Chain of Rocks Bridge that crosses over between Missouri and Illinois.  The bridge is now completely open to pedestrians and has some cool Route 66 signs and informational stands. 

Oh, did I mention, the bridge also has a car?!  The younger kids had fun getting in the car, pretending to drive, and having a mini photo shoot of their own.  Yes, the man and I loaded up four of the five kids in the family truckster (one was at a friend's house) to head over to the bridge, and we spent the bulk of the afternoon walking the bridge and stopping in various places to take pics.

I initially wore a dress over my suit (and flip flops), but as soon as I lost the dress to begin taking pictures, it stayed off.  There weren't a ton of people around, but there were definitely quite a few.  I expected to be super nervous about showing off my bikini bod in front of strangers, especially on a bridge where most people aren't strutting around in heels and swimwear.  After getting over the initial butterflies, I found myself feeling surprisingly confident and having a lot of fun with the shoot. 

I honestly just felt like I was doing something good - good for myself and for my own body image, but good for others as well.  I was happy to be a body positive role model to my kids - for them to see me doing my thing and not be concerned about the reaction of others.  My daughters wanted to wear their swimsuits on the bridge too, so as soon as we got out of our vehicle, they had stripped down to their swimsuits and flip flops and were joyously skipping and running towards the bridge. :-)

In addition to being a positive role model for my kids, I hope I inspired some confidence in others on the bridge with us that day - whether it was the totally in-shape runner, the thin teen girl, or the overweight harried mother desperately trying to corral her kids (I totally feel her pain lol), I would love if my actions in any way made their day a little brighter.  If seeing me posing in a swimsuit feeling and looking confident made them feel a little bit better about themselves, every bit of anxiety I had about doing the photo shoot was completely worth it!!  By that same token, if this post in any way strikes a chord with you, if it makes you feel a little bit better about yourself or gives you the confidence to try something new, then I am more than ecstatic about putting myself out there!

Speaking of you, my readers, boy was I nervous to post this.  But, at the end of the day, I figured what's the worst thing?  You see a little more cellulite than you're used to seeing from me?  I can live with that!  Besides, at the end of the day, I'm just a woman in a swimsuit, nothing abnormal or shocking about that!

The pictures turned out so well, and I had sooo many from which to choose.  Nothing is Photoshopped or edited in these photos, except for a bit of photo cropping and straightening.  What you see is me.  I have cellulite.  I have belly and back fat.  This is me, in all my glory. :-)

My fiance normally doesn't take my blog photos, but he took most of them for this shoot (my son helped some too), and I think he started having fun with it.  In total, I had over 1100 pics from which to choose - it was really hard to narrow it down!!

My man thinks he's quite the photographer, giving me all kinds of direction.  He soon made me forget how sweaty I had gotten while walking and taking the pics - because let's keep it real, it was hot and humid and I was feeling it!

Well, now that I relayed to you all the hairy details (see what I did there?) behind today's pics, let me talk about this month's theme - body hair!

I'm part Armenian.  We're a fairly hairy people.  My grandfather had hair everywhere except on top of his head. LOL  My hair tends to grow extremely fast both on my head and on my body.  Since my hair is fine and not super dark, this tends to not be overly problematic for me, but that wasn't always the case.

When I was a young girl, about 9 or 10, I would often try to shave my legs when my mother wasn't looking.  I was self-conscious about the hair on my legs and wanted it removed.  I thought my mom was being mean to me by not letting me shave.  I simply hated being told that I was too young.

Once I started shaving my legs and underarms, body hair no longer seemed like a major problem.  I have a tendency towards a unibrow on my face, which I sometimes shave, sometimes wax, and sometimes leave alone.  It was always a source of jokes between a friend and me, as she would joke that I "saved the rainforest by letting it grow between my eyes."  It was good-natured ribbing, and I laughed with her.  Honestly, body hair has been the least of my concern for the most part.

In college, as my social and feminist consciousness grew, I decided that I was no longer going to shave my legs.  I continued to shave my underarms simply because I don't care for underarm hair on anybody - just not my favorite thing.  This decision not to shave my legs conveniently lasted for several months over a harsh winter that was spent in jeans and tights.  Once spring hit, I started shaving my legs again.  The idea that women should shave their legs was so ingrained as a beauty ritual that I honestly didn't think I could handle not doing it if my legs were going to be shown publicly.

Since that time, I've continued to shave.  Again, I'm a hairy gal, and I usually have 5 o'clock shadow on my legs before the day is over.  Due to lack of time and sheer laziness (shaving can really be quite a tedious task), I've taken to skipping a day of shaving, letting small hints of stubble show during the warmer months.  If anything gets too hairy, I rely on pants as back-up.  During the cooler months, due to dry skin and again laziness, I usually go several days without shaving.

While I may not like to be too hairy in public, I have never had a major problem with it in more intimate situations.  My partners have all cuddled up next to hairy legs and furry pits from time to time and not one of them seemed to have a problem with it.

To be perfectly honest, while none of my partners has ever seemed to mind a little excess hair, I do feel sexier or more kempt when I'm clean-shaven.  I like the look and feel of smooth legs, and again, society has dictated that women remove hair from their legs and underarms.  It is one of those ingrained rules that has been quite hard to break.  I relax it and push the boundaries from time to time, but I never full-on break the rules and bare the hair.

Speaking of societal rules, during my college years, the removal of public hair started to become a trend and then the normative expectation for women.  At first, I wholeheartedly rejected this idea.  While I couldn't argue that it was any less logical than removing other body hair, I think that I initially found the demand extremely oppressive and offensive.  I felt like it was promoting an ideal of prepubescence which I found very pedophilic.  The culture already polices and regulates so many aspects of women's bodies.  I thought how dare anyone try to tell women that we are less desirable or worthy with pubic hair. 

I still believe this.  We are no less worthy or desirable with full bodies of hair than we are with smooth, hairless bodies (and vice versa).  I remember being rather insulted when the PACU nurse, removing surgical tapes after an emergency C-section, laughingly apologized for any pain she was causing (in pulling out hairs) while also pointing out that this isn't usually an issue for most women.  By the time of my C-section, I had been in labor for several days.  I could have given a rat's ass less about some pubic hair! LOL

That said, now I can see both sides of the coin, and find that removal of body hair anywhere on the body can be ritualistic, relaxing, liberating, personally gratifying, even sensual.  I don't place any judgment on other women's decisions to keep or remove their body hair.  I've been intrigued by this recent trend of dyeing underarm hair (it makes a statement, but seems like way too much trouble for me to want to personally try it).  I reject the notion that in order for women to be beautiful or feminine they must be perfectly plucked, waxed, or shaved. We can and should do whatever feels right for us.  As for my pubic hair, that's for me, my man, and my gyno to know. :-)

Do you have any concerns about body hair?  Do you remove body hair or let it grow? 

Woohoo! Yay for bikini bodies in any size - or whatever YOU want to wear on the beach!

Want to catch up with the first five installments of #UnconditionalBodyBeautiful?

Here they are:
Part 1:  My Body and I from the Beginning
Part 2:  The Heart (Bust)
Part 3:  My Journey on My Legs
Part 4:  My Belly and Me
Part 5:  My Buttocks

Also, don't forget to check out this month's other participants in #UnconditionalBodyBeautiful!

Katherine Hayward, The Glitter Notebook
https://theglitternotebook.wordpress.com/2015/06/18/123/

Zadry Ferrer-Geddes, Curves a la Mode
http://curvesalamode.com/2015/06/18/unconditional-body-beautiful-part-six-body-hair/

Josephine Lee, Josofab Curvesity's World
http://www.josofabscurvesity1.com/?p=85