UNCONDITIONAL BODY BEAUTIFUL - PART 2: THE HEART (BUST)

The wonderful bloggers participating in #UnconditionalBodyBeautiful are back with a second installment in our series.  This month, in the month of love, we are discussing the heart of many women's bodies - the bust!

Skirt:  eShakti (Available here)

As I discussed last month and at other times on the blog, I haven't always loved my body, and truth be told, I still struggle with loving certain parts of it.  That said, my bust has generally always been a source of body confidence.

Blazer:  Eloquii (Available here)

Shoes:  Anne Michelle Giovanni (purchased from eBay)

Necklace:  Target

I remember wanting to wear bras well before I had any need for them.  Of course, with a sister three years older, I could sneak her old training bras and pretend!  As puberty began in fifth and sixth grade, and my tender bust began to grow, I felt excited.  In many ways, I equated womanhood with having breasts.  More than that, the idea of wearing bras was exciting! 

My breasts continued to develop, and I remember picking out pretty lace and brightly colored bras that made me feel a little sexy.  I think maybe wearing bras felt a bit like an equalizer.  I may not have had the most expensive or trendiest clothes, but I could wear a pretty bra.  It didn't matter that they were purchased from a discount department store.  

Belt:  Torrid

Ring:  shoxie.com

Overall, I was happy with my breasts, but I do remember thinking that my areolas were too large.  It feels a little embarrassing to even bring this up, but I really only wanted to participate in this series if I could be honest as I truly believe more honest dialogue by women about their bodies is sorely needed.  

As an adolescent, my areolas were a real concern to me.  I saw the breasts of my mother and older sister and would very seldomly get a glimpse of a peer, but I didn't have a lot of knowledge about the variation that breasts have.  Even though my mother assured me that all kinds of breasts were "normal," I still felt like perhaps my areolas weren't attractive.  I compared my breasts to Samantha Mathis in "Pump Up the Volume," Beverly D'Angelo in "Vacation," and to other women I would sometimes see in movies, and I knew my breasts didn't look like theirs.  I remember identifying with the breasts of Cordelia Gonzalez, the actress who played the prostitute from "Born on the Fourth of July."  It was the first time I saw breasts that looked more like mine, and this view gave me a feeling of normalcy.

Cami:  The Limited (Available here)

I had a group of friends in high school, but I was definitely not a popular girl.  I didn't date in high school, but I did have an awareness that even if boys in whom I was interested weren't interested in dating me, there were some who had an appreciation for my breasts.  Through the wonderfully immature gossip grapevine that is friends passing notes and asking questions to boys, I learned that at least a few boys (male friends) thought that I had a nice chest.  While worrying what boys thought probably wasn't the most progressive of me, I did actually receive needed body confidence from this knowledge.  There were boys who thought that at least part of me was attractive. At a time when I felt rather unlikeable, both in terms of my body and my personality, this was a good feeling.

Interestingly, in high school and college, the few compliments I recall receiving about my bust were from gay friends who weren't out at the time.  I remember being told by one friend how great I would look in a Renaissance-style costume, which I took as the intended compliment.


My breasts were not huge.  I was probably a 36C or D and I was overweight, but since I have such a petite frame, my bust definitely appeared larger.  I come from a family of large-busted women on both sides of the family, and sometimes, I felt like my chest was actually rather small.

Purse:  Forever 21

Earrings:  New York & Company

That said, I always felt like my breasts fit my frame.  I never really wanted them smaller or larger.  In my early twenties, at about 105 pounds and a full 34B, I remember my then-boyfriend telling me that a date of one of his friends had asked if I had breast implants.  She apparently thought that I was disproportionate.  While I've always had a fuller chest, I have never once thought that my body was out of sync in that way.  Throughout a lifetime of poor body image and negative self-image in general, my breasts were a source of feminine pride.

Weight gains and losses, having children and aging have taken their effect on my breasts, and I've watched them change over time.  Now, my breasts are at their largest ever, but as my body mass has increased, I still find them very proportionate to my body. 

I struggle now to find bras that fit me, and often I wonder back to my 10-year-old self and what I possibly could have been thinking when I thought that wearing bras was exciting!  LOL

Throughout my adult life, I have gone through occasional "bra-less" phases where I decided it was sexier or more natural to go without.  Even at my largest, I'm still not afraid to sometimes skip the bra if I feel the desire.  

Bracelets:  Target and Ann Taylor

While I've gotten a little more conservative in my wardrobe picks due to work and kids, revealing or hinting at my breasts, with or without the intention of being sexual in nature, has never felt like a big deal to me.  I try to stick to norms of professionalism at work, but I've never been one to care about errant erect nipples or other such issues.  Women typically have breasts - that's part of our biology.  Why should we have to hide in fear of eliciting inappropriate responses from men or worry about not being taken seriously because we have breasts?  

Being so petite, I don't have a ton of room between my clavicle and bosom, so sometimes small amounts of cleavage are an unintentional part of life.  For a while, I worried about this in relation to work, but now I just try to maintain a general conservative appearance and don't get overly hung up on a hint of cleavage.

I do tend to associate my breasts with sensuality, not necessarily sex, but with a feeling.  So, with that, I'm drawn to a slinky fabrics or the feeling that can be associated with a particular cleavage-bearing look. 

While I've had a few insecurities here and there about my breasts, they have more typically been a source of much-needed body pride, and at this age, I can unequivocally say that I LOVE MY BREASTS!! 

What has your relationship been with your breasts?  Have you compared your breasts to family members, celebrities, or peers? 

To catch up with the first installment of Unconditional Body Beautiful, see here.

For the skirt in another look, see here.
For the blazer in other looks, see here, here, and here.

Want to read more? 

Catch the other posts from the bloggers participating in #UnconditionalBodyBeautiful!

Rebequita Rose
http://rebequitarose.blogspot.com.es/2015/02/unconditional-body-beautiful-part-2-my.html

Natty Nikki
http://www.nattynikki.com/2015/02/unconditional-body-beautiful-part-two_20.html

Curves a la Mode
http://curvesalamode.com/2015/02/18/unconditional-body-beautiful-part-two-the-heart-bust/

BBW Generation
http://bbwgeneration.blogspot.com.es/2015/02/unconditioanlbodybeautiful-bust-from.html

Cool Curved Chrisandra
https://coolcurvedchrisandra.wordpress.com/2015/02/19/unconditional-body-beauty-the-heart-the-bust/

Katherine Hayward - My life with CP
http://katherinehaywardmylifewithcp.blogspot.com.es/2015/02/my-chest-issues-over-years.html?spref=fb

Josofab's Curvesity World
http://josofabscurvesity1.com

Clothe Your Curves
http://clotheyourcurves.com/2015/02/25/unconditional-body-beautiful-part-2-the-heart-bust/

Just Me Leah
http://www.justmeleah.co.uk/2015/02/unconditional-body-beautiful-part-2.html

Aarti Olivia Dubey
https://curvesbecomeher.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/unconditional-body-beautiful-the-bust/

Beca:  Under Construction!
https://beckamaynewbeginnings.wordpress.com/unconditional-body-beautiful-2-breasts/

Loving Our Bodies v. Loving Our Fat

There's a big difference between loving our bodies and loving our fat.

I love myself, and I love my body.  Aesthetically, I love my curves, my legs, my breasts.  I love being a woman and all the aspects associated with that.  I also love my body for its functions.  It gave life to two beautiful children.  It has endured two caesarian sections, from which I bounced back physically within only a couple of weeks.  My body takes me from point A to point B.  It can contort into a pretzel or stretch like a cat. 

My body is pretty amazing, and I love my body!!

Your body is pretty amazing too, and you should love your body too! 

Dress:  Target Petites

But with all that said, does loving our bodies mean that we have to also love our fat?  Do we have to love the jiggle in our thighs, the cellulite on our butts, or the hanging flesh from our arms that tells people hi or goodbye before our words do?

To love our bodies, does it mean that we have to love all of us?  Is it un-feminist to say we don't love our fat?

I try to promote a very body positive message on the blog.  After 37 years, I have really and truly grown to love my body, and I want to help inspire other women (and men) to love their bodies too.  I spent too much time loathing my body and comparing it to others, and I don't wish those feelings or mindset on anyone.

Tights:  New York & Company

I mentioned on a recent post that I had been eating too much over the holidays and was feeling the need to disguise some extra poundage. I've accepted my body at its size, but I'm not happy with the few extra pounds I seem to have put on in the last few months. 

Many people who are overweight practice healthy habits.  I don't.  Lately, I'm becoming more aware of the effects of my unhealthy lifestyle on my body, not just in adding more fat to my body, but also in how I feel.  I haven't really made any New Year's resolutions, except for a few light-hearted style-related ones which you'll see on the blog this week, but I am trying to make some smarter decisions about what I put in my body and how much I move.

Purse:  Target
Boots:  Target

I love my curves, and I have learned to accept my body at any size.  I just don't love all the aspects of being fat.  Maybe it's simply years of socialization towards preferring a thinner ideal, but I prefer my body aesthetically when it's a bit smaller.  I don't usually like the way that my belly looks.

Acknowledging this is being honest to myself and being honest to you, my readers.  Acknowledging this doesn't mean I don't love myself or my body...it just means that I am admitting my imperfections to myself and to you.  

We all have aspects of ourselves we don't like or of which we aren't as proud.  I can be selfish, possessive, lazy, obsessive, and overly critical.  I also know that I'm passionate, loyal, affectionate, giving, and kind.  By the same token, I don't necessarily love some of my extra fluff, but I do love my body.

Necklace:  The Limited
Earrings:  trendylittlepieces

My body is beautiful and amazing, and SO IS YOURS!

Lies My Society Told Me

Several years ago, I read the book, "Lies My Teacher Told Me" which provides insight into events and famous figures that our history books got wrong.  This book really resonated with me, but the more I have learned over the years, the more I have realized that it's not just history class where we've been deceived. 

Throughout our society, we have been taught many stereotypes, myths, and outright lies about women and our appearance.

We tend to think of the body as natural, but it is also social and political.  Culture and the institutions of our society (politics, the media, schools, the family, etc.) dictate what body types are perceived as ideal at any given time or whether there is much focus on the body at all.  They create gender distinctions that add social definition and meaning to those biological differences in our bodies. 

Even after having spent almost 20 years studying and teaching on the subject, the ideas that we are taught about women's bodies and appearance are so ingrained that it can be difficult to remember that they are social myths.  It can still be difficult to feel confidence when we as women are surrounded by a culture and institutions that so often operate to undermine us.

While knowledge of the problem is only the first step, it is an important one.  Understanding the myths that we've been taught about women and appearance makes it easier to be critical when we are exposed to yet another false idea or image.  It makes it easier, though still difficult, to begin rejecting these ideas and to see ourselves and other women in a less judgmental light.

What are some of these myths? 

I'm unpacking a few of them today:

You Have To Be Model-Thin To Look Good In Clothes
For decades, we've heard fashion designers stress a preference for ultra-thin models to showcase their clothing.  We've been told that a body type that only 5% of all women have the genetic predisposition to attain is the only body that looks good in clothes. 

This is problematic.

Source:  Glamour.com

While a model's job is to show a designer's clothing, these women are often referred to as walking "hangers" - as objects.  Aren't clothes designed for women to wear?  If there is anything that reading fashion blogs over the last few years has taught me, it's that clothing can look AH-MAZING on women of all body types.  I say if you can't design clothes to look great on anything besides a "hanger," you're not a very good designer!

Furthermore, comparing ourselves to models is a recipe for self-loathing.  We are taught in this society that our bodies can be controlled solely through hard work and effort (another mis-truth), but, hello...!  The overwhelming majority of us can NEVER look like models, no matter what choices we make!

The idea that a long-limbed, tall, very thin (and usually white) woman has become the standard for beauty in the U.S., and increasingly worldwide, is a social creation.  There's nothing naturally more beautiful or attractive about said women, but this emphasis on one body type that is out of reach for 95% of all women has had disastrous consequences.  For example, over 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance and 50-70% of normal weight girls think they are overweight.

You Will Be Happy And Successful If You're Skinny
Coupled with this idea that only women with model figures look good in clothing, we are taught through fashion magazines, alcohol commercials, movies, and pretty much everywhere else, that life is infinitely happy if you're a skinny woman.  If you're skinny, men want you (and that's always assumed to be a good in a heterosexist society).  You'll have a ton of friends, be the life of party, have great clothes, and have an amazing and high-paying career.  Life will be perfect. 

Source:  FrankWBaker.com

While most of us have probably realized that this myth isn't 100% accurate, how many of us have bought into it on some level over the years? 

"I'll find love if only I could lose a few pounds." 

"She only got that promotion because of her body!"

Weight discrimination in the workplace is real and shouldn't be discounted.  Studies show that both overweight women and men face job discrimination in hiring, pay, and promotions, with women experiencing significantly higher levels of this than men. 

That said, being skinny is NOT the key to success and happiness.  I know from first-hand experience that the promises we are fed about being thin are empty. I've been everywhere from a size 0 to a size 16, and my weight has had NO bearing on my happiness, personal feeling of success, or self-esteem. If thinness equaled happiness, we would expect all models and other thin women to be elated, but this is absurd.  Everybody has their ups and downs, their trials and tribulations.  It's up to each of us to find happiness and success in our own ways and regardless of our size.

Happiness and success are found in choosing to love yourself.  They are found in the laughter of a child, the gentle purring of a cat, the passionate embrace of a lover, the hug from a friend when you need it most.  Happiness and success are found in living life.  They are found in enjoying the simple pleasures and in not taking yourself for granted.  They are found in having the courage to follow your dreams and chase your goals.  Happiness and success are so much MORE than what you look like or what the scale reads!!

Boys Don't Make Passes At Girls Who Wear Glasses
Here's another one that assumes the norm of heterosexuality.  It's also a myth that teaches girls (women) that their value is to be found in both their appearance and in the approval of boys (men) vis-a-vis that appearance. 

Source:  Cedward Brice on Flickr

Linked to this myth are the ideas that only "nerds" wear glasses and that "nerds" are smart.  Girls have been taught that math, science, and computers are nerdy and best left to boys, leading to a gender gap in test scores, educational attainment, and employment in these areas.  I can't tell you how many children's television shows I have watched in which the "pretty" girl is shown purposefully downplaying any signs of intelligence in order to be more popular, especially with boys. 

I've worn glasses since I was two years old, and I heard this myth about girls in glasses many times growing up, including from members of my own family.  How many of us grew up watching movies where the nerdy, mousy girl suddenly becomes "hot" when she takes off her glasses?

I didn't have a boyfriend or even go on a date until I was 18 and in college.  I always thought that part of the reason for that was that I wore glasses.  While I may have been a late-bloomer, I can assuredly say that some males most definitely are into bespectacled women.  And you know what?  Some women are into bespectacled women too!!  

Women Over The Age Of 40 Are Unappealing And Don't (Or Shouldn't) Date
The idea that "old" people shouldn't date, be sexual, or have romantic/intimate relationships outside of what must surely be a celibate marriage has long been promoted in our culture.  We don't stop having sexual urges at 40, 50, 60, or 70, so why is it that women over the age of 40 are so often looked at as asexual and unappealing?

Ageism is definitely a factor.  In a capitalist society, people who don't work are often seen as drains on society.  Elderly people are seen as having worn out their usefulness and as such, they are socially discarded in this disposable culture.

Women, who historically have been given less value because of their lower contributions to the paid work force, are also de-valued due to patriarchy.  As women have moved more into the workforce, our beauty culture has put great pressure on women to stay young looking, in addition to being thin. 

Sharon Stone at Cannes, May 2014; Source:  BecauseIAmFabulous.com

Popular culture gives preference to the young, with older women so often depicted in film and television as sexless, as unattractive, as harpies, or as useless... if they are even depicted at all. 

Movies depict grandmothers as blue-haired women jollily baking cookies and living only for the joy and comfort of their grandchildren.  In the last two decades, a massive youth movement seemed to spawn where the main casts of popular tv shows and movies were usually teenagers going through problems and living lives that most of us don't see until well into our twenties.  Casting directors select 38 year old women to play mothers to 29 year old actors and actresses.  

It's a rare exception to have a show like "Golden Girls" that shows women well over 40 engaging in active social lives and enjoying sex.  20-something years lately, such depictions of older women are really rare. 

Real Women Have Curves
While the "real women" movement is a shift away from the idea that women must be ultra-thin, it is still fraught with problems.  The notion that real women have curves implies that women without curves are less than "real" women.  Women come in all shapes and sizes, and we are all the more beautiful for these differences!  

Source:  About-Face.org

The internet memes that pit thin women against thicker women are not a solution to the preference for "skinny" in our culture.  Shifting the cultural mandate from ultra-thin to curvy or overweight is problematic because it does not address the real issues that force women into such narrow options in the first place.

But why do we do this?

In a patriarchal society, women are encouraged to compete not against men for resources, but against other women.  The beauty culture and its emphasis on thinness has become part of this competition. 

Women are taught to be "mean girls."  We are taught to compete with each other for men, for jobs, for popularity as though my failure equals your success. 

Men (as a group) benefit from this competition because it never challenges the status quo.  Men largely remain in positions of power in the political, economic, and culture-building structures of society. 

Women can often be the worst critics of other women, not because we are naturally mean or catty (another MYTH promoted about women), but because many of us have been socialized to be this way.

Recognizing that women share many of the same struggles regardless of weight or appearance is a step towards treating each other as allies rather than enemies.

What do you think?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!  Is there a topic you'd like me to explore more on the blog?  Let me know!



Sources 

Author unknown.  Body Image.  Retrieved June 18, 2014 from http://www.snac.ucla.edu/documents/BodyImage2010.pdf.

Gray, Louise.  Older women portrayed as 'sexless grandmothers.' The Telegraph.  March 28, 2011. Retrieved June 20, 2014 from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/8409629/Older-women-portrayed-as-sexless-grandmothers.html.

Hellmich, Nancy.  Do Thin Models Warp Girls' Body Image? USATODAY.com.  Updated September 26, 2006.  Retrieved June 18, 2014 from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-09-25-thin-models_x.htm?csp=15.

Quast, Lisa. Thin Is In For Executive Women:  How Weight Discrimination Contributes To The Glass Ceiling.  Forbes.  Retrieved June 28, 2014 from http://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaquast/2012/08/06/thin-is-in-for-executive-women-as-weight-discrimination-contributes-to-glass-ceiling/.

Ross, MD, Carolyn Coker. Why do Women Hate Their Bodies? World of Psychology.  Retrieved June 18, 2014 from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/02/why-do-women-hate-their-bodies/.

Wylie, Catherine. Older women are disappearing from TV due to combination of ageism and sexism, warns Harriet Harman. The Independent. Retrieved June 20, 2014 from http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/tv-radio/older-women-are-disappearing-from-tv-due-to-combination-of-ageism-and-sexism-warns-harriet-harman-8618313.html.

Clinton Kelly Tells Us What to Wear!!!

I'm so behind in writing this post, but I'm excited to share my experience earlier this fall attending a fun fall fashion show at my local Macy's hosted by style guru Clinton Kelly.

I was grinning like the Chesire cat about meeting Clinton!
Photo c/o of Macy's

Clinton has had a partnership with Macy's since 2005.  As a component of that partnership, he tours the country dishing style advice and schooling adoring fans on how to wear the season's hottest trends, whatever your body shape or age.

At this "Girls Night Out," Clinton discussed six of the fall's hottest trends, while also answering the audience's style questions and charming us with his snarky funny, but still very sweet, personality.

Clinton advises an audience member on attaining a more flattering fit

Clinton dispensed advice on how to remain age-appropriate and flatter your body, while still having fun and remaining modern with trends.  To do so, he used models of various sizes and shapes and ages, which I love!  How annoying is it to see style advice for women of various shapes using models who essentially look the same???

Embellishment

Distressed Denim

Mixed Media (Mix of fabrics, textures)

Skater Skirts

Plaid

Layered Knits

While he provided familiar advice (if you are a What Not to Wear fan), he was quick to point out that people should wear what makes them happy.  If you love flaunting your cleavage, flaunt away.  Love showing off those legs, go for it!  The most important part is being happy with your look and who you are as a person!

One of the things that impressed me the most about Clinton was his awesome body positive stance.  He discussed how the images of "perfection" we see in the media are constructed.  Having met many celebrities first-hand, he re-iterated that NOBODY looks the way they are portrayed in the media.  He discouraged the audience from comparing themselves to these false images.

He also encouraged people in the audience to forgive people who have harmed their self-esteem through criticism or bullying but to  release any negative words they had been fed.  He admonished parents not to criticize their children's bodies, reminding them that even "helpful" comments can lead to lifelong injury.

Through "What Not to Wear" and other venues, Clinton has worked to help people feel fabulous through fashion.  I was sad to see this show come to an end.

Clinton dishes style advice

Clinton encourages body acceptance

After the show, Clinton posed for pictures with fans.  I was able to meet Clinton and discuss my blog and the struggles of finding trendy, edgy fashion as a curvy petite gal.  Clinton agreed that fit is a very difficult challenge for curvy petites, but he also re-iterated that there is not a single trend that can't work for ladies like us.  Silhouette is the key to making any trend work for any body, including curvy petites!

Which look or trend is your favorite?  Were you a fan of "What Not to Wear?" 

*ALL MODELED CLOTHES FROM MACY'S

Cassential Links 8/24/13

I'm still really bummed that I lost all of the great links that I had planned to post last week.  Of course, I couldn't remember or find most of them again.. Here's this week's crop...

Women are often photoshopped to appear thinner and more "flawless."  Due to our increasing emphasis on thinness, sometimes women are photoshopped to look fuller, to cover up the scary health and physical effects of extreme thinness.

But who created the idea of such aspirational thinness?  This article discusses the evolution of the "ideal" female through fashion illustrations.

Not much I love more than a leather and lace combo.  Allison gets it so right, as usual!

Tutu? Leather? Fab hair? Yes, please!

An interesting feminist and sex-positive take on Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines"

Rules, rules, rules..seems like we're hit with a lot of rules about how we should look in this age of internet and self-policing.  

The problem with skinny shaming.  All women are real women, curves or not.

Speaking of...I don't care for the language in this article which I find derogatory to thin women, but the subject deserves a mention

An attempt to de-sexualize vaginas and encourage more open dialogue is censored. 

Love this mix of black and blush pink, and that top is so cool and interesting!

Oh to look so fierce in a bathing suit...Nadia is killing it!

Cassential Links 8/11/13

I have been busy this week getting the kids ready to go back to school.  Between registering five kids and shopping for supplies, uniforms, and new kicks, I haven't been hitting as many blogs and news threads as I usually do.  I can't believe my baby is starting kindergarten in a few days!!

Even though I haven't had as much time to peruse the news and fashion, here's what managed to catch my attention this week:

What does diversity really look like in the fashion industry?  The treatment of Gabourey Sidibe's recent photo-shoot in "Harper's Bazaar"  gives us some disappointing insight.

I love my tutu skirt - It just really feels like "me."  At the same time, it has led to questions of "Am I too old to wear this?"  Meagan reminds us that in a patriarchal society, remaining body-positive takes an ongoing effort.

Developing a signature style - if you're into rocker fashion, this one's for you!

The infantilization of women in this culture is the often-ignored flip side of the oversexualization of girls

Can't wait for this!  REBEL. WILSON.  AWESOME.

Nakedness as the last frontier to body acceptance?