Color and Confidence 2: Purple Haze

Trigger warnings:  Sex, sexuality, sexual abuse, sexual coercion

Today on the blog, I'm wrapping up my second Color and Confidence series with the color purple and some discussion about women's bodies as they relate to sexuality.

In order to live independent, fully authentic, free lives, we must be the controllers of our own destinies and our own choices.  Our career decisions, choices to marry or not, to be a parent or not, our decisions regarding our sexuality...all of these choices are ours to make and ours alone.

Skirt:  Eloquii

Confidence is built by living our lives as free individuals, free from the restraints that others would put on us.  When we are free to try and fail, to try and succeed, to try and just exist in the moments we create, then we develop our sense of selves.  Through this freedom, our identities, our truest concepts of what is right and wrong for us, etc. are allowed to develop and flourish.

Jacket:  Torrid (old)

Tank:  Target

Unfortunately, women in this society are often restricted in becoming full-fledged adults to the extent that our sexuality and free will regarding our bodies is often taken from us through socialization, lack of options, laws, etc.  Women's bodies are highly regulated within the culture through economic and political policies and normative ideals.  Many girls and women in this culture are still taught that their value as human beings is to be found primarily in their virginity and purity and in their roles as wives as mothers.  Girls are shamed for being sexually curious or adventurous, while boys are often applauded.  We can look to the double standards all over society wherein sexually active young men (or those perceived as such) are studs, pimps, and players, while sexually active young women (or those perceived as such) are sluts, whores, and hoes.  Girls tend to be much more likely than boys to receive shame-based sexual education that can have horrifying effects. 

At the same time that girls are taught to maintain chastity, they are taught that having boyfriends and male attention is a good that should be sought out.  They are taught that pleasing their boyfriends should be a primary goal.  Girls and women are surrounded by sexist images of highly sexualized women offered up as objects for male fantasy.  Females are taught that engaging in same-sex sexual activity is pleasing to (heterosexual) men and should be done for spectacle rather than true attraction to other women.

Blazer:  New York & Company

Clutch:  The Limited

Because of this, many women spend their lives highly constrained in their sexuality, afraid to ask questions, scared to share their activities even with their own doctors for fear of judgment.  Girls and women are more likely to be coerced into sexual activity because they haven't been taught that their bodies are theirs to share or not to share at their own choosing.  They haven't been taught to pay attention to their own sexual desires - in many instances, they are taught that they don't have or shouldn't have such desires.

Booties:  Sonoma life+style (Available at Kohl's here)

Boots:  Target

Then, there is this ridiculous, heterosexist stereotype of fat women as sexually promiscuous, founded on the premise that fat women are more desperate for male attention.  We are supposed to be thrilled and grateful that men might find us appealing enough for sex. 

News flash - being approached and harassed sexually is not alluring.  It's not a turn on, and fat women aren't all sitting around hoping some man can overlook their fat bodies and actually have sex with them.

Top:  Eloquii

Bangles:  LOFT

To the women who may be feeling lonely, I just want to remind you that you are better than these men, better than these encounters.  Our bodies are only one small part of who we are.  There are so many amazing men AND women out there who will love you and your body.  There is no need to settle for someone who simply has a fat fetish or who just wants to get laid (P.S.  even if you too are just looking to get laid - there are better choices than these men!)

Cuff:  The Limited

Necklace:  JC Penney

Our bodies are ours to use intimately or sexually as much as we want, including not at all.  Women should not be slut-shamed or made to feel uptight or prudish for their sexual choices.  As long as we aren't harming anyone else with our sexual choices and all participants are consenting, sexual freedom is part of living a healthy confident life in our bodies

Our perceptions of our bodies are often tied to the various uses of our bodies.  Breathing, walking, running, eating, sitting, hugging, sleeping, brushing our teeth, growing other humans, putting on clothes, having sex...all of these activities may affect our perception of self and our bodies to some degree.  Being able to fully engage in the sexual sides of ourselves, whether that means serial monogamy, abstinence, polyamory, monogamous marriage, or frequent sexual adventures with whoever we choose is part of what makes us full adults, complete women.  That freedom to choose how we use our bodies sexually is tied to our feelings of self-worth.  When we are free to make choices for ourselves and to listen to our own needs and wants, we can only be more confident as human beings.

Tank:  Old Navy

Glasses:  Firmoo.com

And with freedom of choice is the freedom to dress our bodies as we see fit, no matter our body size or shape.  Wearing color sends a bold message that as a woman, that as a person of any shape or size, that you won't be ignored and that you won't be made invisible by society.

Like any color, it can be easy to incorporate your favorite shades of purple into your wardrobe without going over-the-top with color.

Try a purple top

From left to right:  Marvelous Midis; This is What a Feminist Looks Like; Fall Color Week 2:  Plum Purple

Accessorize with purple shoes and bags

From left to right:  Leopard In Transition; Queen Cobra

Plum blazers and dresses look great mixed with faux leather and cognac touches

From left to right:  A Homecoming Look + A Review of My Pick from Altuzarra for Target; Dress Up Tee Time

Purple sweaters are cozy & easy

From left to right: Fall Double Feature: Sweater Glamour; I Resolve To Show More Leg

Do you like wearing the color purple?  Do you agree that sexuality is tied to body confidence?  Why or why not?

Hope you enjoyed my color and confidence series.  Catch up with the other posts in this series here:

For the first Color and Confidence:  Purple, see here

For the cropped black blazer, see here, here, here, and here
For the black lace crop top, see here, here, here, and here
For the black leather sleeve blazer, see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

Lies My Society Told Me

Several years ago, I read the book, "Lies My Teacher Told Me" which provides insight into events and famous figures that our history books got wrong.  This book really resonated with me, but the more I have learned over the years, the more I have realized that it's not just history class where we've been deceived. 

Throughout our society, we have been taught many stereotypes, myths, and outright lies about women and our appearance.

We tend to think of the body as natural, but it is also social and political.  Culture and the institutions of our society (politics, the media, schools, the family, etc.) dictate what body types are perceived as ideal at any given time or whether there is much focus on the body at all.  They create gender distinctions that add social definition and meaning to those biological differences in our bodies. 

Even after having spent almost 20 years studying and teaching on the subject, the ideas that we are taught about women's bodies and appearance are so ingrained that it can be difficult to remember that they are social myths.  It can still be difficult to feel confidence when we as women are surrounded by a culture and institutions that so often operate to undermine us.

While knowledge of the problem is only the first step, it is an important one.  Understanding the myths that we've been taught about women and appearance makes it easier to be critical when we are exposed to yet another false idea or image.  It makes it easier, though still difficult, to begin rejecting these ideas and to see ourselves and other women in a less judgmental light.

What are some of these myths? 

I'm unpacking a few of them today:

You Have To Be Model-Thin To Look Good In Clothes
For decades, we've heard fashion designers stress a preference for ultra-thin models to showcase their clothing.  We've been told that a body type that only 5% of all women have the genetic predisposition to attain is the only body that looks good in clothes. 

This is problematic.

Source:  Glamour.com

While a model's job is to show a designer's clothing, these women are often referred to as walking "hangers" - as objects.  Aren't clothes designed for women to wear?  If there is anything that reading fashion blogs over the last few years has taught me, it's that clothing can look AH-MAZING on women of all body types.  I say if you can't design clothes to look great on anything besides a "hanger," you're not a very good designer!

Furthermore, comparing ourselves to models is a recipe for self-loathing.  We are taught in this society that our bodies can be controlled solely through hard work and effort (another mis-truth), but, hello...!  The overwhelming majority of us can NEVER look like models, no matter what choices we make!

The idea that a long-limbed, tall, very thin (and usually white) woman has become the standard for beauty in the U.S., and increasingly worldwide, is a social creation.  There's nothing naturally more beautiful or attractive about said women, but this emphasis on one body type that is out of reach for 95% of all women has had disastrous consequences.  For example, over 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance and 50-70% of normal weight girls think they are overweight.

You Will Be Happy And Successful If You're Skinny
Coupled with this idea that only women with model figures look good in clothing, we are taught through fashion magazines, alcohol commercials, movies, and pretty much everywhere else, that life is infinitely happy if you're a skinny woman.  If you're skinny, men want you (and that's always assumed to be a good in a heterosexist society).  You'll have a ton of friends, be the life of party, have great clothes, and have an amazing and high-paying career.  Life will be perfect. 

Source:  FrankWBaker.com

While most of us have probably realized that this myth isn't 100% accurate, how many of us have bought into it on some level over the years? 

"I'll find love if only I could lose a few pounds." 

"She only got that promotion because of her body!"

Weight discrimination in the workplace is real and shouldn't be discounted.  Studies show that both overweight women and men face job discrimination in hiring, pay, and promotions, with women experiencing significantly higher levels of this than men. 

That said, being skinny is NOT the key to success and happiness.  I know from first-hand experience that the promises we are fed about being thin are empty. I've been everywhere from a size 0 to a size 16, and my weight has had NO bearing on my happiness, personal feeling of success, or self-esteem. If thinness equaled happiness, we would expect all models and other thin women to be elated, but this is absurd.  Everybody has their ups and downs, their trials and tribulations.  It's up to each of us to find happiness and success in our own ways and regardless of our size.

Happiness and success are found in choosing to love yourself.  They are found in the laughter of a child, the gentle purring of a cat, the passionate embrace of a lover, the hug from a friend when you need it most.  Happiness and success are found in living life.  They are found in enjoying the simple pleasures and in not taking yourself for granted.  They are found in having the courage to follow your dreams and chase your goals.  Happiness and success are so much MORE than what you look like or what the scale reads!!

Boys Don't Make Passes At Girls Who Wear Glasses
Here's another one that assumes the norm of heterosexuality.  It's also a myth that teaches girls (women) that their value is to be found in both their appearance and in the approval of boys (men) vis-a-vis that appearance. 

Source:  Cedward Brice on Flickr

Linked to this myth are the ideas that only "nerds" wear glasses and that "nerds" are smart.  Girls have been taught that math, science, and computers are nerdy and best left to boys, leading to a gender gap in test scores, educational attainment, and employment in these areas.  I can't tell you how many children's television shows I have watched in which the "pretty" girl is shown purposefully downplaying any signs of intelligence in order to be more popular, especially with boys. 

I've worn glasses since I was two years old, and I heard this myth about girls in glasses many times growing up, including from members of my own family.  How many of us grew up watching movies where the nerdy, mousy girl suddenly becomes "hot" when she takes off her glasses?

I didn't have a boyfriend or even go on a date until I was 18 and in college.  I always thought that part of the reason for that was that I wore glasses.  While I may have been a late-bloomer, I can assuredly say that some males most definitely are into bespectacled women.  And you know what?  Some women are into bespectacled women too!!  

Women Over The Age Of 40 Are Unappealing And Don't (Or Shouldn't) Date
The idea that "old" people shouldn't date, be sexual, or have romantic/intimate relationships outside of what must surely be a celibate marriage has long been promoted in our culture.  We don't stop having sexual urges at 40, 50, 60, or 70, so why is it that women over the age of 40 are so often looked at as asexual and unappealing?

Ageism is definitely a factor.  In a capitalist society, people who don't work are often seen as drains on society.  Elderly people are seen as having worn out their usefulness and as such, they are socially discarded in this disposable culture.

Women, who historically have been given less value because of their lower contributions to the paid work force, are also de-valued due to patriarchy.  As women have moved more into the workforce, our beauty culture has put great pressure on women to stay young looking, in addition to being thin. 

Sharon Stone at Cannes, May 2014; Source:  BecauseIAmFabulous.com

Popular culture gives preference to the young, with older women so often depicted in film and television as sexless, as unattractive, as harpies, or as useless... if they are even depicted at all. 

Movies depict grandmothers as blue-haired women jollily baking cookies and living only for the joy and comfort of their grandchildren.  In the last two decades, a massive youth movement seemed to spawn where the main casts of popular tv shows and movies were usually teenagers going through problems and living lives that most of us don't see until well into our twenties.  Casting directors select 38 year old women to play mothers to 29 year old actors and actresses.  

It's a rare exception to have a show like "Golden Girls" that shows women well over 40 engaging in active social lives and enjoying sex.  20-something years lately, such depictions of older women are really rare. 

Real Women Have Curves
While the "real women" movement is a shift away from the idea that women must be ultra-thin, it is still fraught with problems.  The notion that real women have curves implies that women without curves are less than "real" women.  Women come in all shapes and sizes, and we are all the more beautiful for these differences!  

Source:  About-Face.org

The internet memes that pit thin women against thicker women are not a solution to the preference for "skinny" in our culture.  Shifting the cultural mandate from ultra-thin to curvy or overweight is problematic because it does not address the real issues that force women into such narrow options in the first place.

But why do we do this?

In a patriarchal society, women are encouraged to compete not against men for resources, but against other women.  The beauty culture and its emphasis on thinness has become part of this competition. 

Women are taught to be "mean girls."  We are taught to compete with each other for men, for jobs, for popularity as though my failure equals your success. 

Men (as a group) benefit from this competition because it never challenges the status quo.  Men largely remain in positions of power in the political, economic, and culture-building structures of society. 

Women can often be the worst critics of other women, not because we are naturally mean or catty (another MYTH promoted about women), but because many of us have been socialized to be this way.

Recognizing that women share many of the same struggles regardless of weight or appearance is a step towards treating each other as allies rather than enemies.

What do you think?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!  Is there a topic you'd like me to explore more on the blog?  Let me know!



Sources 

Author unknown.  Body Image.  Retrieved June 18, 2014 from http://www.snac.ucla.edu/documents/BodyImage2010.pdf.

Gray, Louise.  Older women portrayed as 'sexless grandmothers.' The Telegraph.  March 28, 2011. Retrieved June 20, 2014 from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/8409629/Older-women-portrayed-as-sexless-grandmothers.html.

Hellmich, Nancy.  Do Thin Models Warp Girls' Body Image? USATODAY.com.  Updated September 26, 2006.  Retrieved June 18, 2014 from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-09-25-thin-models_x.htm?csp=15.

Quast, Lisa. Thin Is In For Executive Women:  How Weight Discrimination Contributes To The Glass Ceiling.  Forbes.  Retrieved June 28, 2014 from http://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaquast/2012/08/06/thin-is-in-for-executive-women-as-weight-discrimination-contributes-to-glass-ceiling/.

Ross, MD, Carolyn Coker. Why do Women Hate Their Bodies? World of Psychology.  Retrieved June 18, 2014 from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/02/why-do-women-hate-their-bodies/.

Wylie, Catherine. Older women are disappearing from TV due to combination of ageism and sexism, warns Harriet Harman. The Independent. Retrieved June 20, 2014 from http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/tv-radio/older-women-are-disappearing-from-tv-due-to-combination-of-ageism-and-sexism-warns-harriet-harman-8618313.html.

Cassential Links, 2/8/14

It has taken me a while to get my links post up, so some of these posts are a little dated, but still very relevant...here's your Saturday Cassential links.  :-)

Are racialized sexist images art or just completely insensitive?

I remember sitting in a grad school sociology class and suddenly feeling very "masculine" that I so eagerly raised my hand and spoke up with my perspective in class.  I was still very insecure about many things in life, but I knew my sociological stuff and I liked to share it.  But was my behavior too aggressive and "unfeminine?"  I've since learned not to care and not to apologize for being "too much."

Women's sexual expression has become more open and mainstream in recent years, but is the message of sexuality that is so often promoted one of female empowerment or an appeal to a heterosexual male ideal of generic submissive sexuality?

One thing that I learned over the years with my own body image struggles is that self-love is an ongoing process.  Disordered thinking about one's body often leads to behaviors that are dysfunctional.  Years of anorexic-like behaviors and binge eating has taught me this.  Learning not to judge ourselves and our behaviors is a step in the direction towards greater health and better choices.  Knowing what is good for us and acting on this are two different things, but working to sync these two is a process towards healthy mind and a healthy body.

When I was in my early 20s and lost a significant amount of weight, I noticed a sudden change in people's treatment of me.  I got hit on relentlessly - sexually harassed constantly.  I had a co-worker objectify me, asking me to turn around and model for him - I felt like such a piece of meat.  Once that same co-worker got to know me, he treated me with a whole new level of respect - even going so far as to tell me that he had no idea that "there was so much to me."  Experiencing life both as a very thin athletic woman and as an overweight woman has given me a lot of perspective - there definitely is an ugly side of pretty.

I so often feel this way while watching TV - love the satire.

Disney princesses as you never knew they existed ;-)

Love these examples of active resistance to sexist advertising

This article wonderfully addresses the tabloid fascination with Bruce Jenner and his supposed transitioning.

The modeling industry never seems to amaze me with what passes for thin and plus-size. 

Love this article on how dressing for your age, whatever that means anyway, is dead.  While my personal style has changed from early 20s due to my lifestyle and fashion whims, I love the idea that age has no real relevancy on how we dress.  Stupid rules are most definitely made to be broken.  Wear what you want!!!

Great explanation of the concept of whiteness and how the construction of race was developed to promote and justify inequalities.